So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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