and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
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Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
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Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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