ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
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I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
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What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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