Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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