So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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