I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
