I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I came so hard my ears popped.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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