If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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