I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
