I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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