I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Still dying that you shit outside
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
