i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Text me some of your sweat
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