If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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