I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
