I think my vagina is haunted
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Princesses don't give blow jobs
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
