I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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