Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
God I need to hump something, right now.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
