can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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