Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
