No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
