A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
