WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
