Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
