RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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