I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
