there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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