I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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