I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
How's work?
Spinning.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
