he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
