I wish my penis had an off switch
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
