Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
