We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
