the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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