Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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