Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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