Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
