life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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