Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
