ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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