Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
