Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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