I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
