my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
