WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
