I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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