i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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