Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
