My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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