dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
