ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
