So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
FUCK WHALES
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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