she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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