And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
