I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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