i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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