I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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