Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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