college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
