Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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