Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
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