Got a toothbrush?
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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